


as you are right now

by wintersweather



Series: hiraeth [1]
Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 01:53:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15741735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersweather/pseuds/wintersweather
Summary: so when this is over, don't blow your composure





	as you are right now

**Author's Note:**

> title/excerpt from "three cheers for five years" by mayday parade!
> 
> my wonderful friend prompted this :))))))) u kno who u are

Pat gripped the beer bottle a little tighter in his hand, looking at Brian in the feeble kitchen lighting. The dark shadows under his eyes looked more prominent than usual, and though he was smiling, it seemed thin and forced.

The condensation on the bottle felt nearly as uncomfortable as their shared silence. It was making Pat anxious, and the clock was saying it was 12:18 AM already. Brian's hair was mussed, his shirt on inside out, holding a glass of water in both hands.

"Are you okay?" Pat asked, his voice sounding tinny in his own ears.

Brian's response was instant, almost jarring. "Yeah." There was a pause where Brian seemed to be considering his words. "Are you?"

Pat tried to force himself to loosen up, leaning back against the counter and taking a sip. "I'm fine." He answered, keeping his voice level. 

Brian shifted his weight from foot to foot, tapping his blunt fingernails against the glass. "You're making me nervous." He said then, voice going high-pitched, followed by an uneasy giggle. 

Pat raised his eyebrows and took a deep breath. Brian was regularly erratic, that wasn't new, but something was off and Pat couldn't sort it out. " _I'm_ making _you_ nervous?" He asked, trying to keep indignation out of his tone. "Bri, you're-" 

"I need to tell you something." Brian cut him off, setting his glass on the counter behind him. 

The kitchen went quiet again, Pat levelling a gaze at Brian. His heart thumped in his chest. Ever-pessimistic, Pat braced himself for the worst. Brian was probably going to tell him he hated him, that their whole _thing_ couldn't keep going on. On the other side of the coin, maybe Brian was going to say he loved Pat (something Pat hadn't worked himself up to say after six months of whatever they were doing). 

"What is it?" Pat said softly, tilting his head.

Brian's eyebrows drew together and he opened his mouth, stuttering for a moment. "I haven't told anyone else, okay? So, don't say anything to anyone else yet. This is like - it's a whole thing." He stalled, breaking eye contact.

Pat felt his stomach drop, watched Brian's body language change; he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, rocking back and forth slightly on his heels and staring at the tile floor. Pat wanted to press, pry the words out of Brian, but he resigned to holding his breath.

"I'm leaving Polygon." Brian said, barely above a whisper. "And I'm - I'm moving away from New York."

Pat felt his breath catch. "What? Why? Did something happen?" He questioned, walking over to Brian but keeping a slight distance between them.

"No, nothing happened. Well, nothing bad." Brian said, finally gazing up at Pat. "I already talked to Tara about it all, it's just-" He bit his lip, and Pat tried to ignore the tears welling up in Brian's eyes. "I need to go back to Baltimore, Pat. There's a job there that I've been offered, and it's such a big opportunity. And New York rent is killing me and Laura and Jonah, we can barely afford to live here and not starve at the same time."

Pat put his hands on Brian's shoulders, feeling them shake as Brian started crying in earnest now. "Brian, fuck. It's okay." He whispered, pulling Brian into an embrace. "You need to do what's right for you."

"It feels wrong though." Brian sobbed, his voice muffled by Pat's shirt. "I feel like I'm leaving everything I know, even though I'm going back." He said, his whole body shuddering.

Pat stroked the back of Brian's head, where his hair was getting long again. "It's okay." Pat said again, partly for Brian's sake, but maybe a little for his own. "When do you go?"

"Two weeks." Brian answered, lifing his head. His eyes were red, puffy around the edges. 

Pat felt useless as he watched Brian cry, loud and unpicturesque. Brian brought his hands to his face, fingers covering his eyes as he wept, leaning into Pat's chest again. 

"Brian," Pat said, panicked, tried to keep Brian calm. He rubbed circles on Brian's back through his t-shirt, held back his own tears. "It'll be okay." He said, blinking hard. Brian's knees buckled and Pat eased him down to the ground, holding him close as they shared tears on the kitchen floor.

Brian kissed him softly through sobs. His lips tasted like salt.

\- - -

Pat felt like he was watching himself move through life. He helped Brian clean up his desk at Polygon the next week, putting things into boxes and decidedly not looking at Brian, because if he looked at Brian too long, he'd fall apart. 

Pat had kept his distance, didn't invite Brian over, and Brian didn't ask. The night before Brian left, the Polygon video team went out for drinks, a last hurrah for Brian.

Pat sat next to Simone at the end of the table, gazing at Brian in the shoddy bar lighting, watched as Brian laughed at Jeff's jokes, nursed one bottle of beer the whole night. He seemed happy, but there was a melancholy undertone to every smile, every word he said.

Pat felt sick to his stomach. Simone patted his knee, offered him a comforting smile. 

Their coworkers slowly filtered out as the night dragged on, with Simone leaving last. She hugged Brian tight, told him she loved him. Brian smiled wide, squeezing her back and watching as she left the bar. 

"You've been really quiet." Brian said, turning to Pat. "Are you alright?"

"Do you want honesty?" Pat asked, sliding out of the chair and walking towards the door. He knew Brian would follow, because Brian always did. 

Brian caught up with him as he pushed through the door, stepping out to the street. Simone was already gone. "You know I do." Brian answered, looking up at Pat.

"Okay, here's the truth," Pat said, tried to fight off the tears he knew were coming. "I don't want you to leave, because I'm selfish, because you're going to be so far away and I can't fathom even a day without you here." He said, and immediately regretted it. Still, his mouth betrayed him as he kept speaking. "I'm so fucking happy for you, Brian. I really, really am. But I _love_ you. More than just a friend, and not just some stupid infatuation'y crush. I fucking love you." He set his jaw, feeling hot tears rush down his face.

Brian looked dazed, eye huge behind his glasses. "Pat-"

"But this isn't some dumb fucking rom-com where I could get you to stay with me for the sake of love. You've got a goddamn flight tomorrow." He laughed despite himself, wiping away the tears. "I'm such a dumbass."

"Pat," He said in an exhale, shaking his head. "I love you too." He said, blinking fast.

Pat thought he could see tears in Brian's eyes, but he couldn't be certain. Still, Brian's words made him feel almost worse, in a way. "It's a little late for that, on both our parts."

Brian's shoulders dropped. "Don't say that." He said, voice breaking.

"Brian, fuck." Pat ran a hand through his hair, sniffling hard. "We fucked up. We shouldn't've even gotten involved with each other."

" _Pat_ ,"

"Don't you have packing to do?" Pat asked, unable to keep the bitter tone out of his voice. He was mad, mostly at himself, but a little bit at Brian. He turned around, hailed a cab quick and got in, trying to forget Brian's wounded expression.

**Author's Note:**

> YEE FUCKING HONK BABEEYY
> 
> lmk if u want a part two :eyes:
> 
> tumblr: easterntimecryptid  
> twitter: estcryptid


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